The Rogue One Leak as Written by a Spambot

While slacking off at work today, Stormtrooper Larry came across this gem; the Rogue One leak poorly rewritten by a copy bot. Either that, or a really lazy asshole replaced every word with synonyms and tried to pass it off as his own.

Look at the opening paragraph. This is probably what the original text looked like:

“Things have been mostly quiet on the Rogue One front recently for Lucasfilm. Since the first trailer was released in early April, we’ve heard scant info on new characters, the plot, or almost anything.”

And here’s how the bot rewrote it:

“Issues were strangely quiet on the Rogue One entrance in recent years for Lucasfilm. For the reason that the first trailer debuted in early April, we’ve heard little on the method of reliable phrase on the new characters, what’s to return in the tale, or nearly anything.”

From there, everything goes hilariously downhill. Here are the character descriptions:

Jyn Erso

A tender lady recruited through the Insurrection to lend a hand scouse borrow the plans to the first Dying Famous person.

Jyn may be reckless, aggressive and undisciplined … but she’s a tender lady, Mon Mothma, don’t forget that. And Dying Famous must be the Rebel codeword for the Death Star, whose plans she will steal borrow!

Cassian Andor (Diego Luna)

A Insurrection Alliance Captain

Where do we sign up for the Insurrection Alliance to Reinstate the Republic?

Baze (Jiang Wen)

A contract murderer

Hey now, Stormtrooper Larry’s uncle Barry was a Mandalorian assassin and part-time ethics teacher. But we never called him a “contract murderer”!

Okay-250 (Alan Tudyk)

An Imperial-elegance enforcer droid programmed to lend a hand the Rebels

So it’s not K-250 or K-2SO, it’s Okay-250. And apparently, he’s an Imperial-elegance droid… elegant like C-3PO! So that “Enforcer-class droid” was a smokescreen by Disney all along!

Bodhi (Riz Ahmed)

A Revolt soldier

Does this mean he’s with the Revolt Alliance then? A splinter group of the Insurrection?

Pao and Bistan (no showed actor information on both)

Diminutive extraterrestrial beings defined as “fierce warriors”

Wow, tiny extraterrestrials that are fierce warriors! Are they like thumb-sized ETs, but with guns?

And finally,

Chirrut (Donnie Yen)

A non secular warrior

Like this?

Tender ladies, Insurrectionists, shaolin monks and Okay-250 the elegance droid. A diverse group with one mission: to scouse (?) borrow the plans to the Dying Famous Person battlestation.

We don’t know about you, but we’d buy a dozen tickets to this movie!

Don’t forget to check out the real reason behind the Rogue One reshoot!

EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Cuts of Rogue One Before the Reshoot!

Last week, the entire holonet was panicking over rumors that Rogue One was headed for reshoot. Today, we can share the real reason for the controversy: a key cast member is leaving the film.

According to production insiders, a mysterious cast member known only as “Larry” had a pay dispute with studio execs. Disney supposedly cut the celebrity A-lister’s salary and chose to spend it on VFX for “an orange alien with a Jamaican accent”.

Now that Larry has left Rogue One, we can finally share the original cut before Disney’s meddling.

The Rogue crew actually get their name from a mysterious stormtrooper who goes rogue to help the fledgling Rebellion: Stormtrooper FU-1287, aka “Larry”.

“A universe with repulsor technology and they insist on foot patrols. Can’t FUCKING wait for my turn on the tank.”

“Dammit your highness, not again! If you keep peeping with your creepy thugs, I’m switching over to the rebels!”

“Our holonet transmissions were hacked by a defecting trooper. Find this rogue soldier… and kill him.”

 

“A major weapons test is imminent, but Disney ordered a retest of the weapons test. This gives us time to infiltrate it.”

“I just escaped from that fucking death ball Mon Mothma. You seriously expect me to go back?”

“Forgery of imperial documents, possession of stolen property, aggravated assault, resisting arrest.”

“Don’t forget the prostitution and public obscenity in Nar Shadaa.”

“Why are we (pant) running… K2?”

“Jyn skimped on the tip again.”

“Here’s the deal. First one to walk away doesn’t get a katana in the ass. Offer expires in 10 seconds.”

 “Shit, it’s a dead end! I got a bad feeling about this.”

“Um… how about we surrender?”

“I thought you said they were cargo trucks!”

“Jyn. Promise me you’ll come back.”

“I will. It’s not like Vader will show up or anything.”

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Did you know:

• Tom Hardy, Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise all auditioned for Rogue One? In the end, it was Stormtrooper Larry’s convincing performance and rugged good looks that landed the role.

• Larry’s defection to the Alliance was caused not by his moral conscience, but by the Emperor’s habit of peeping in the Death Star’s shower room every Tuesday.

• The original ending pitted Darth Vader against Larry, who was armed only with a nightstick, two packs of gum and a used receipt from Watto’s Emporium. Larry bought valuable time for Jyn to transmit the plans, sacrificing his life in the process.

• Stormtrooper Larry’s identity remains a secret — he never removed his helmet on set, despite co-star Felicity Jones’ repeated attempts to get in his pants.

• Most of these facts were written while I was stuck in a boring meeting.

We’ll release more original footage from our Rogue One insider, so stay tuned! In the meantime, check out the REAL Episode 8 photo posted by director Rian Johnson before Disney whitewashed it.

Massive Star Wars: Rogue One LEAK!

While the holonet has been full of Star Wars Episode VIII leaks, things have been suspiciously quiet regarding Rogue One.

Stormtrooper Larry is happy to change that today with this massive data dump —  the Death Star battle plans  full intel on Rogue One!

The intel comes from Edelweiss, a digital catalog used by booksellers and publishers. Someone, (an intrepid Bothan spy), uploaded the scanned content from an upcoming coffeetable book called Rogue One: The Official Visual Story Guide.

Not only does it include the full names of Jyn Erso’s rogue crew, it gives us the name of Ben Mendelssohn’s cloak-clad villain, as well as info on the Death Troopers, two new starfighters, and the predecessor of the AT-ACT.

For what it’s worth, the scans are marked not final. So proceed at your own risk. And as always, SPOILERS AHEAD!

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1. The rogue band of resistance fighters

• Jyn Erso
• Rebel Alliance Captain Cassian Andor
• Rebel footsoldier Bodhi
• Freelance assassin Baze
• The “spiritual warrior” Chirrut
• The aliens Pao and Bistan
• K-2S0, an Enforcer droid designed by the Empire but now under Rebel service

2. Their Imperial foes

• Ben Mendelssohn’s fancy-cloaked character is named Director Krennic
• The black-clad troopers are confirmed to be Death Troopers, not Shadow Troopers
• Notice how the text repeats itself, possibly as filler for the actual content to follow

3. Two new starfighters

• The U-Wing is a four-engined Rebel Alliance ship equipped with two laser cannons and two forward-facing S-foils that give it its name

• The TIE Striker sports high-speed wings that enable it to reach speeds of 1,500kph (the normal TIE fighter has a maximum atmospheric speed of 1,200kph according to Wookieepedia).

4. The AT-AT’s predecessor

• We noticed how the AT-ATs in the trailer differed from their ESB cousins. Pablo Hidalgo confirmed that they are “not technically AT-ATs”. That’s because they are AT-ACTs! Could they be All-Terrain Armored Combat Transports?

• While we don’t have photos, the text also confirms the existence of AT-DPs (All Terrain Defence Pods), which are two-legged, two-man platforms used for patrol and scouting missions.

5. The new droid

• Look sir, droid! K-2S0 is a former Security Droid. He has the same “donut and two bars” back design as regular stormtroopers, but seems to have been reprogrammed by the Rebels. He will likely play a key role in infiltrating the Imperial base and letting our heroes in.

6. More glorious spreads

• Just for the heck of it, here are some more gorgeous photos that don’t tell us much. Although we do wonder what the T-70 X-wing from The Force Awakens is doing here.

That new Hasbro playset  Imperial hovertank from the trailer

The big mamajama itself, the Death Star

And finally, a group photo of the whole shebang.

The source itself, Rogue One: The Official Visual Story Guide, will be released on Jan. 24, 2017. This is why the leak is full of filler text and “Not Final” disclaimers. The final book will be 164 pages long and cost around $25.

Enjoy your Rogue One leak bonanza! Disney has promised we’ll hear more during Star Wars Celebration Europe in July, but for now it seems our Bothan spies have pre-empted the Disney Empire!

UPDATE: Disney has asked several sites to take down the leak, calling it “unauthorized and incorrect“.

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Can’t wait for the movies? In the meantime, check out this hilarious story how Ben Solo fell to the dark side!