Don’t just watch his slick dancing moves! Read about Stormtrooper Larry’s heroic actions on Jakku too!
Tag Archives: stormtrooper
The Jakku Incident
The whine of the sublight engines ceased, replaced by the throb of the repulsors. They were in atmosphere. One minute to deployment.
Onboard the squat transport, white-armored figures checked blaster rifles and power packs. On top, the dorsal gunner began blasting away at unseen targets.
Touch down. The ramp drops. Fires. Shouting. Brilliant beams of energy crisscrossing through the night. Moving as one, the stormtroopers rush out of the transport and into the fray.
Stormtrooper FU-1287, aka “Larry”, pays no attention to the firefight. He has more important things on his mind than some stupid battle.
Last night, the dreaded Internal Security Bureau discovered his hidden stash of smut holozines. It won’t be long before the ISB traced it back to him. In fact, he had volunteered for this mission in order to desert and preempt their inevitable dragnet.
According to the mission briefing, they were to raid an inhabited area of Jakku, a backwater planet. Never one to volunteer, Stormtrooper Larry jumped at the chance — he expected to find a dingy city of scum and villainy where he could disappear. Instead, what he found was a ramshackle group of huts in the middle of the desert.
He really should pay more attention to those mission briefings.
A disappointed Larry scanned his surroundings. Around him, white armored soldiers exchanged blasterfire with civilians. Flametroopers torched huts while the heavy gunners laid down withering covering fire to allow the squads to advance.
One stormtrooper smeared with blood stood motionless in the middle of the shootout. What the hell was this guy thinking? Larry tackled the idiot to the ground.
“Dammit man, don’t be a nerfbrain!” The dimwit didn’t respond. Larry could see the soldier was traumatized, his helmet still marked with a bloody handprint. It was probably the kid’s first combat deployment.
“Just stay low, okay? It’s gonna be alright.”
“Keep your head down man! What are you, Boba Fett or something?”
With a pat on the back, he left the shellshocked idiot to find someplace where he could think. A war zone made a poor place for contemplation.
Crouching low, he made his way to the back of the village, skirting around the residents who were busy welcoming the intruders with blaster bolts. He couldn’t find even an old speeder or swoopbike to escape in. This place really was a dump, and he had been to many hell holes.
Larry broke into a tent, but found it occupied by an old man who was frantically burning some tattered books and ancient-looking stuff. “Oops. Sorry old timer!” Nope, he couldn’t stay here either. It was probably the village hoarder and his load of junk.
“And no offense, but you gotta air this place out. It smells like a Hutt.”
At the edge of the village, he finally found an outcrop of rocks where he could sit and concentrate.
Ten full crates of Twi’lek Dancers Monthly were stashed in the main hold of a broken transport. Thanks to First Order bureaucracy, that transport ship sat neglected and unrepaired for over three years. This made it the ideal warehouse for Larry’s bootleg operation — smuggling sexy holozines for his captive (and very eager) market, the bored stormtrooper contingent of the Star Destroyer Finalizer.
What he didn’t count on was the unwelcome arrival of General Hux and some kind of space magician onboard the destroyer. Within a few days, all of the sloppy mess on the Finalizer was cleaned up… including Larry’s smut ship. After the crates were cracked open to reveal an avalanche of porn, the ISB was called in.
As Larry sat brooding, a yellow ball raced past him into the desert. He ignored the twittering droid and focused on his situation.
If only all his porn could fit in that droid, he wouldn’t be in trouble.
The good news is, he had the foresight to name the shipment after an old training sergeant that he hated. The bad news is, once the ISB unraveled the false trail, Larry only had three days before they caught on to him… perhaps five days at the most. Those ISB thugs may be mindless brutes, but they were ruthlessly efficient brutes.
A crackle in his commset interrupted his thoughts. “FU-1287, what’s your status? Get back here!”
Larry ran back to his squad, firing in the air for effect.
A pauldroned officer confonted him. “Where the hell were you?”
“Uh, I looped around back and shot a whole group trying to escape sir!”
“Yeah? Well get back in formation, space Rambo. We have visitors.”
A menacing command shuttle circled over the assembled troops and touched down. It was the magician from the Finalizer, followed by that bitchy stormtrooper in chrome, Captain Asthma or something. The battalion snapped to attention as the black figure strode dramatically down the ramp. These First Order bigwigs loved their grand entrances.
The old hoarder he encountered was taken before the magician, and the two began to talk. They were probably haggling over the old man’s wares. Larry tuned them out and looked around for ways to escape.
All of the civilians were being herded in the village square. Unless there was a mass breakout, there was no way he could disappear. He couldn’t even hide, since the whole area was surrounded by nothing. A white-clad stormtrooper in the middle of the desert would stand out like a nude Twi’lek dancer in a Jedi temple. Why does it always have to be a desert planet?
There was a commotion. The black magician stopped a blaster bolt in mid-air, seizing Larry’s attention back to the present. Wow, cool trick! It was probably magnets or something. He watched as a scruffy-looking civilian was brought before the space wizard, get beaten up, and then was hustled off into custody.
Larry gulped. That would be his own fate a few days from now.
“Shit. I don’t even have a jacket like that.”
After a few minutes, Captain Asthma took over. “On my command.”
As one, the line of stormtroopers raised their rifles and aimed. Larry mimicked them.
“Fire.”
The troopers began shooting. Still distracted by his predicament and unsure what he should be firing at, Larry shot at the straw huts, the dirt barricades and some of the rocks. He also shot at a dead mynock, wishing it was the ISB agents who were at this moment hunting for him. Finally, the blasterfire ceased and the firing line dispersed.
Larry approached the magician. “Hey man, that was a neat trick! How’d you do it?”
The black-robed figure didn’t respond. He was staring intently somewhere else. All of a sudden, the frozen blaster bolt was released, impacting into a nearby post with a loud bang. Larry was stunned — this guy should have his own holonet show!
“Awesome dude! So where are the magnets??” But when he turned around, Mr. Magic was gone. He had already returned to his ship. Larry didn’t even get an autograph.
His headset crackled. “We captured a Resistance pilot. FU-1287, take a squad and search his ship for the map. Get moving.”
“Umm.. roger that!”
Accompanied by a handful of troopers, he trudged off to carry out the task. What map?
The ship turned out to be a damaged Incom T-70 snubfighter. Obsolete by galactic standards, the old X-wing was being phased out in favor of the newer T-75. While the others searched the hold and access panels, Larry climbed the ladder and plopped down into the cockpit.
It was a filthy mess. The tiny space was littered with empty ration bars, holo-selfies, a stained jumpsuit, hair gel, and a map of the D’Qar system. Was that their objective? Larry tried hard to remember. Oh yeah, they’re supposed to be looking for the Skywalker system. He tossed the map aside and rummaged behind the seat.
Just behind the headrest he found a couple of gay holozines and some empty water bottles, while he discovered dried gum stuck under the seat and even more discarded wrappers. Disgusted, he climbed out of the cockpit.
These Resistance scum probably lived in their ships full time. As much as he wanted to escape, it would never be in this filthy craft, even if it wasn’t damaged and even if it was the last ship in the whole galaxy. As soon as he was shipboard, his gloves were going in the incinerator.
Larry signaled to the heavy gunners. “Nothing here, go ahead!”
“Filthy space hobos.”
He ran back to the lieutenant. “The enemy ship was uh, clean, sir.”
“Get back to your transport. We’re pulling out.”
As Larry walked dejectedly back to the dropship, he passed the shellshocked idiot he tackled earlier. He wasn’t sure if it was one of his porn buyers.
“Hey, what a mess right? We’ll get out of it somehow.”
The blood-smeared trooper stared blankly at him. Maybe not one of his customers then.
Stormtrooper Larry looked back at the burning village, as the first rays of dawn broke through the dark. He had less than a week to escape from the First Order and the merciless ISB, all because some pasty general and a space wizard ruined his sweet smut racket.
Yes, he would get out. Somehow.
Itching for the next part? Stormtrooper Larry will return in Escape from the Finalizer. Subscribe now so you don’t miss out!
In the meantime, check out this other stormtrooper who didn’t keep his head down.
That One Guy
Every Saturday, we feature a snapshot of Stormtrooper Larry and life in the Outer Rim!
There’s always one in every group.
Droid Search
It’s hump day! So here’s a shot of Stormtrooper Larry to help you get through the week!
When you can’t find the droid you’re looking for.
Stormtrooper Problems
Every Saturday, we bring you a snapshot of Stormtrooper Larry and life in the Outer Rim!
Stormtrooper problems.
FN-2003: The Weakest Link
This is an offshoot of the article The Horrifying Truth about Poe Dameron Nobody Seems to Notice. A Reddit user wondered, “What if Finn got hit instead?” The result is this story.
In an alternate universe….
The sublight engines cease their gentle hum, to be replaced by the steady throb of the repulsors. Onboard the squat transport, white-armored figures prepare for combat. The sound of activating HUDs and slap-locking cartridges fill the cramped cabin, while the gunner on top starts blasting away at unseen targets.
The ramp drops. Thick smoke. Fire. The chaotic din of combat. Brilliant beams of energy crisscross the night, some narrowly missing and showering sparks on the dropship’s durasteel. The stormtroopers of FN squadron rush down the ramp and into the fray.
A hundred meters from the drop zone, a lone Resistance pilot abandons his damaged fighter. Grabbing a worn blaster from a survival pack, he takes aim on the nearest trooper and starts shooting back.
He fires two bolts in quick succession. Both shots find their marks, downing two stormtroopers attempting to outflank the villagers in their makeshift barricades.
His crippled fighter burning in the background, the pilot shifts his aim and searches for new targets.
He finds one: a stormtrooper standing aimlessly in the middle of the battle and gawking all around. In any firefight, being stationary is suicide, and this one just signed his death warrant.
The pilot fires his third shot.
The reckless trooper is hit dead center on the chestplate. While stormtrooper armor can withstand glancing shots, it isn’t designed to absorb direct hits. The bolt’s lethal energy is only marginally dissipated by the ferroplast. Most of it finds its way to soft living tissue, cooking the wearer, FN-2187.
The stormtrooper slumps to the ground. Behind him, his squadmate FN-2003 sees him fall and doesn’t hesitate. With reflexes born from a lifetime of training, he fires back at the source of the muzzle flash.
The return fire strikes the pilot in the head. Poe Dameron, Resistance ace, is dead before his body even hits the ground.
Stormtroopers are not used to hitting their targets with the first shot. A barrage of blaster bolts rain down on Poe’s prostrate body before FN-2003 realizes his opponent was killed by his first lucky shot.
Beneath the helmet, FN-2003 whoops. He has just scored his first kill of the night. Relentlessly bullied and derided as the weakest link during training, “Slip” has finally proven himself in combat. He calls for a gunner to cover the spot and moves on to other targets. His second kill is a bearded old man running away from a hut.
As the triumphant trooper blasts away, his fallen comrade FN-2187 takes his last labored breath. The captain once reprimanded him for his “dangerous levels of empathy”. Only know does he realize the fatal consequence of his flaw. As he lies motionless on his back, the last thing he sees is a massive bat-like shape that blots out the stars.
Minutes into his first combat deployment, FN-2187, the stormtrooper with a conscience, dies. He never received a name.
Overhead, the sinister craft folds its massive wings and comes in for a landing. A black-clad figure strides down the ramp, ignoring the villagers being herded in the village square.
“Who killed the Resistance pilot?”
FN-2003 steps confidently forward. This is it. In front of his entire platoon, this will be his moment of vindication.
“I did, sir!”
“And the old man in the village?”
“It was also me, sir!”
The tall figure looks down on him, somehow managing to radiate a sense of contempt despite the mask.
“What is your serial number?”
The stormtrooper proudly squares his shoulders. “FN-2003, SIR!”
A gloved hand reaches out. Slip suddenly finds himself catapulted toward the hooded figure, floating in mid-air inches away from the unflinching mask.
“I can do many things, FN-2003. But I cannot interrogate dead bodies.”
The hand lashes out. Slip is hurled back, as if rammed by a runaway speeder truck. He hits a nearby hut with enough force to crack the ferrocrete. As his helmet readout flares with alerts of multiple fractures and a broken neck, FN-2003’s last thought was wondering where he went wrong.
A pauldroned officer comes up to the hooded figure.
“We found no signs of the map on either body or on the fighter sir. And our sensors detected no holonet transmissions of any kind. They didn’t have time to send it off-world.”
“They must have hidden it. Form a search perimeter 100 klicks around the village.” The figure paused. “If you do not find any trace, burn the planet from orbit. I will not risk Skywalker being found.”
“Yes sir!”
The man in the black mask stalks back to his ship. Shouting officers begin forming the search party as more transports arrive. In the background, flametroopers move in to erase every trace of the village, a harbinger of Jakku’s fate.
A lone stormtrooper in gleaming chrome looks at Slip’s broken body, then walks away.
“FN-2003: always the weakest link.”
The Horrifying Truth About Poe Dameron Nobody Seems to Notice
The sublight engines cease their hum. Onboard, the white-armored occupants steel themselves for combat, as the gunner on top begins blasting away at unseen targets.
The ramp drops. Fires. Shouting. Brilliant beams of energy crisscrossing through the night. Moving as one, the stormtroopers rush out of the transport and charge straight into the frenzy.
A hundred meters away, a lone Resistance pilot abandons his damaged T-70. Grabbing a worn blaster from his survival pack, he takes aim on the nearest white-clad figure and starts shooting back.
His first shot is dead on target. Down goes a trooper.
Determined to give his BB-8 unit a running start, the pilot fires again.
This ace pilot is just as deadly on solid ground as he is in space combat. Before the second trooper can even react to his fallen comrade, he too is hit with a fatal blast.
As his crippled fighter burns in the background, the pilot slightly shifts his aim to the right and trains the sight on a new target.
His third shot catches a running figure full on in the chest plate.
As the target slumps to the ground, his buddy runs to check on the mortally wounded stormtrooper.
But it’s too late. As he lays dying, the stricken trooper reaches out to his friend with a bloodied hand. Shuddering, he lets out one final gasp and lays still.
The surviving trooper panics. Numb with shell shock and stained by blood, he stumbles around the battlefield. Within minutes of his first combat deployment, he has seen innocent villagers shot, houses torched, and his friend killed.
Later on, the Resistance pilot will be captured, and the traumatized stormtrooper will help him pull off a daring escape. Their shared hardship will lead to an unlikely friendship.
The stormtrooper will never know that the pilot he helped escape was the one who killed his friend. Meanwhile, the pilot will never realize that among the faceless troopers he shot was the the stormtrooper’s bestfriend.
If you think this is some kind of insane fan theory, here’s the full GIF of the scene:
According to Wookieepedia, the hapless stormtrooper was FN-2003, aka “Slip”. He was the weakest link in Finn’s squad, so that Finn was always bailing his clumsy stormtrooper butt out of trouble:
During a First Order raid on a sacred village on the planet Jakku, Slip was hit by blaster fire from Poe Dameron. FN-2187 went to help his squadmate, but FN-2003’s wound proved fatal, Slip wiping his bloody hand on FN-2187’s helmet before dying. His sudden and violent death contributed to FN-2187’s decision to escape from First Order service.
And so kids, that is why The Force Awakens is the darkest Star Wars movie yet.
UPDATE: Be sure to check out the alternate universe version! What if Poe hit Finn instead?
Casualty
Every Saturday, we feature a slice of Stormtrooper Larry and life in the Outer Rim!
Size Matters Not: A Review of the Black Series Stormtrooper
Welcome to the first ever review in StormtrooperLarry.com!
One of our biggest stars is none other than Stormtrooper Larry himself, in the form of Hasbro’s Black Series 6-inch figure! So it’s only fitting that our first review will be of tiny Larry.
Packaging:
The contents consist of a no-frills window box, the figure, a blaster rifle, and a blaster pistol. The only difference between this and the SDCC-exclusive stormtrooper was that the latter came in a fancier packaging and included a mini booklet of the stormtrooper’s evolution. Otherwise, both figures are the same.
Interestingly, the stormtrooper is packaged holding the blaster rifle in his right hand. This has led to some warping issues, where the rifle becomes slightly bent if not packed properly in the cutout. Stormtrooper Larry is one such victim of this warping issue. Perhaps his bent gun is the reason he can’t hit anything.
Sculpt
No complaints here — Hasbro did a wonderful job capturing the stormtrooper’s many details, from the greeblies on the helmet to the small latches on the chest. However, there ARE two flaws:
- The nose area is too recessed. While it looks okay from the front, it becomes apparent when looking at the figure straight on.
- The boxes on the front of the belt should be three separate pieces. Here, they are molded as one and painted with black lines to simulate separation.
Paintwise, the helmet and chestpiece get the most accurate treatment. The painting accuracy degrades slightly at the belt and the bottom of the thigh armor, but not too much. The worst paint application is on the thermal detonator, which looks like it was painted by a half-blind 3-year old with cerebral palsy. Thankfully, since it’s in the back it won’t get noticed too much.
Accessories
The Black Series figures come with two accessories. For the First Order trooper, they are the standard F-11D blaster rifle and the Sonn-Blas SE-44C pistol.
Both firearms come with pegs that slot neatly into the thigh armor. However, the pistol has a tendency to fall off and could easily get lost.
In terms of accuracy, both are molded clearly enough to make out fine details like the backwards scope on the rifle and the AR sight on the pistol. The rifle is even painted in three tones, including the silver accents on the scope holder and eyepieces.
As mentioned previously, the rifle has a tendency to warp at the muzzle tip if it is not packaged properly. This can be fixed by immersing it in hot water and straightening the bent before it cools.
Poseability
According to Hasbro, the FO stormtrooper has 27 points of articulation, which is impressive given its small size. Since I’m too lazy to list them all down, we’ll just focus on the shortcomings.
The most glaring one is the lack of double-jointed elbows, something which the original trilogy trooper has. This means the First Order version has limited flexibility when it comes to holding his rifle and aiming:
While that pose above looks natural from the front, Larry is actually holding the rifle away from his body just so it lines up properly in his hands. Honestly, this is an accurate representation of the real thing: the actors who played First Order troopers in the film reportedly can’t move their elbows much because of the gaskets.
Finally, the figure also can’t sit down properly. This is due to the belt pieces getting in the way of the thigh armor. The best you can do is make him squat:
So is the Black Series FO stormtrooper worth it? The answer is: YES.
The Bandai 6-inch figure may be more poseable, and the similarly sized Revoltech may be more accurate. However, both of them are plastic model kits that are more fragile and can easily come loose. The Black series trooper is tougher, made of more resilient materials and can easily withstand the weekly abuse of doing ridiculous poses for his Saturday snapshots.
Just make sure you get the ones without the warped guns, to help them shoot Resistance scum more reliably.
Make sure you read about Stormtrooper Larry’s adventure in the raid on Jakku!
Rogue One Trailer: The Frame-by-Frame Lowdown
There was a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of geeks cried out in awe, and were suddenly silenced.
The Rogue One trailer must have happened.
This is it. After months of endless speculation, the salivating masses of Star Wars fans finally got their first fill of Rogue One. And it’s beyond everything we ever hoped, and more.
Let’s take a look.
The opening shot shows Felicity Jones’ character Jyn Erson being led down a familiar ancient temple / hangar.
As her list of crimes are read out, everything from forging Imperial documents to aggravated assault and resisting arrest, we see the group grilling her:
Yes, that’s THE 1977 Mon Mothma, in the operations rooms of Yavin IV!
Mon Mothma says Jyn is aggressive, reckless, and undisciplined, to which she replies, “This is a rebellion isn’t it? I rebel.” And the next shots show exactly that.
After a montage of rebelling and kicking hapless stormtrooper ass, the sirens blare. We get our first look at Ben Mendelsohn’s villain.
Is he a Grand Admiral? An ISB bigwig? The white opposite of Lando Calrissian? Who cares, that immaculate cape, chilling stare and mindblowing background all combine to say “I have manners, impeccable taste, and a penchant for blowing up entire planets.”
Next we see the height of the Empire, with stormtroopers strutting, citizens cowering and a new Hasbro toy lumbering down the streets.
But not everyone bows down. Here we see Jyn and a fellow saboteur running from something, along with the stripped down droid from earlier in the trailer:
Why are they running? Because stormtroopers. And tan troopers.
And don’t forget the famous Shadow Trooper, finally seen in action. (Side note: maybe black armor isn’t the best when fighting in jungle terrain).
Our heroes fight back, blowing up a landing barge that looks closer to Kylo Ren’s shuttle than a Sentinel-class craft:
In the aftermath, we see Mr. Immaculate Cloak striding down the body-strewn battlefield. While Tarkin and his ilk lead from the polished floors of the Death Star, this is one admiral who isn’t afraid to go down in the trenches and get dirty.
But the carnage wasn’t limited to stormtroopers. As Jyn and her misfits rush through the tropics, they come face to face with the Empire’s towering monstrosities. We finally get to see the famous walking artillery in a landscape other than Hoth! (And with a shitty tan camouflage at that. Did the Empire really think they will blend in with those trees?)
As Forest Whitaker asks, “If you continue to fight, what will you become?”, we see a final shot of Jyn disguised as either a TIE pilot, Death Star gunner, technician, or random guy who cleaned the detention-level toilets.
A lot is riding on Rogue One. A billion dollars worth, to be exact. As the first Star Wars film to venture outside the main story arcs and John Williams, it will be the benchmark to see if further Star Wars stories can be spun independent of the trilogies.
But judging by this trailer alone, it looks like the dark lords of Disney already have a winner on their hands. This film is even more Star Wars than the The Force Awakens. Take a look at the many homages and incredible attention to detail packed in that one and a half-minute trailer.
For instance, that famous shadowtrooper mug has its roots in the EU’s dark trooper and Ralph McQuarrie’s original concepts:
They even got the Star Destroyer right. The Imperator Mk 1-class in the opening scene of A New Hope was slightly different from its later sister ships in ESB and Return of the Jedi:
And finally, take a look at the Yavin scene. Not even 20 seconds into the trailer, we’re already treated to several cameos: the bushy bearded General Dodonna, complete with the iconic Rebel roulette table that doubles as a countdown timer! Seeing this scene alone, approximately 500 geeks fainted.
Despite being billed as a different, grittier version of Star Wars outside of the main stories, Rogue One may end up as being the most Star War-sy film outside of A New Hope.
And that’s a good thing.